love in the making

Past midnight, my whole being was screaming for rest for I have been so consumed by the never ending activities I’ve been doing these days…and the list goes on. I’ve almost forgotten to be alone with myself and find out how I am doing lately. I don’t even know if I have already managed to move a step forward from the dark past I’ve been. I am having a hard time to sleep. My mind won’t let me sleep. My heart is arguing with me for being neglected for the longest time. But it was a choice. A choice that has demanded a lot of will power from me that sometimes, I just wanted to break free from the barriers I’ve made myself. I have been a slave of my emotions all my life, and now, I’ve decided to take charge and be the boss. My heart can’t fool me anymore. So there it was, caged, preserved, restored. The last lime I’ve used it for its purpose, I found it there in the gutter, trashed. I have always disagreed and agreed with myself, that love has rules to follow, and I always seem to forget. So now, I must at all cost learn to play by the rules. Sometimes, I wonder what could be a better choice. Whether to be a successful cynic,
or a failed romantic. Sometimes I want to go for both… Although there were still days of having wishful thinking, I’d quickly resign. If I am to fool myself, I’d think of love as a wonderful feeling, because that’s how I’ve always imagined love would be, simple yet romantic, painful and yet everlasting. Sometimes, it seems like time is running out, that I only have a few minutes left to decide whether I will risk myself or just stay away for good – and a lifetime to regret any wrong moves I will take. Everyday I remind myself that life is too short to be spent wondering if love deserves a chance. There were times when I just want to live in my surreal world, and love like I’ve never been hurt –and sometimes I just want to keep my heart to myself. The next thing I know, I was half-heartedly going for it, as if I have all the strength to armor me, yet trembling in fear. I’ve wasted all my life making a choice. I actually have all the reasons not to love, but I still do. After spending hours and hours of convincing myself that love will just hurt, it all boils down to one thing in the end… that if something hurts, then maybe it’s really worth a try.