looking back to the life i've had when i was a child doesn't give me the right amount of satisfaction i needed to feel complete. as i look back, it only made me realize how i've been deprived with so much happiness which i well-deserved. Lots of unhappy memories still linger in my mind, like an old movie i've seen countless times. Something i've gotten used to overtime. Sometimes, pain have become so familiar, it stayed longer than usual. More and more, i can only long for a heart that was glad.
when i was 13, i felt a prisoner of my own fears. it seemed i have built this self-made cage to protect myself from anything that could possibly hurt. i wasn't really scared but i wasn't brave either, so i hid behind the shadow of my own self. I grew up in a big house old house with grandma who was so scared i'd become a teenage mom or a high school drop out that she forbided me to experience the world, even to be myself. She was no doubt the most loving and caring grandmother i could ever have, but there's a lot i have to know. I can only dream of being free, dreamland have been my constant escape to the reality i can never embrace. I imagined life to be the sweetest thing, and while i was at it, i wish to grow up fast... There is a lot i have to make out of my life, and i wanted to start soon.
in a few months, i'll turn 24. I am still the same 13 year old whose always afraid of the unknown. But this time, a little braver. I have stepped out of that cage because i'm sure i won't be needing that anymore. Grandma must have been really proud to know i wasn't any of what she'd thought i'd become. I forgot to say that once in a while, i sneaked out of grandma's sight to experience the world, and i had a blast. Dreamland never closes its door.
sweet dreams.
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