Paglisan

ang maghangad ng maganda mula sa langit
ay sya kong dalangin, nawa'y maging para sayo
upang kahit saglit lamang na narito ako sa mundo
ay madama mo ang nasa loob ko.

sa iyong tingin ako'y nakuha mo
sa mga salita ako'y naging sayo
sa iyong mga yakap ako'y nabihag mo
ang buo kong mundo'y nagmistulang paraiso.

ngunit umiwas ka at hinangad na lumayo
naiwang walang saysay ang mga pangako
ang iyong paglisan ng walang dahilan
sa aking mundo naging isang kawalan!

sa paglubog ng araw at paglitaw ng buwan
dala ang dalangin na nais kong makamtan
na sana sa muling pagsikat ng araw
ikaw na syang mahal ang muling makasama.

nakaraan

minsan gusto ko na lang matawa sa mga bagay bagay. iisipin ko pa ba o mabuting wag na lang? para kasing paulit ulit akong niloloko ng sarili kong buhay. masaya naman ako eh, bago sya nagtext pagkatapos ng halos matagal na ring panahon. nangamusta, nagtatanong ng ilang bagay na di ko parin maintindahan hangang ngayon kung para saan. Makalipas ang ilang palitan ng text lumabas ako ng bahay, tinatanong ang sarili ko kung ano nanaman ang gagawin ko. Bibilangin ko sana kung ilang beses ko ng tinangka na tigilan ang kalokohan na to pero sakit na yata dahil parang walang lunas. Natigilan ako saglit, napailing, hindi ko na lang bibilangin dahil nakakahiya sa sarili ko, nakakahiyang aminin na wala akong lakas ng loob. Ilang saglit pa, parang wala namang nagbago. Ganun parin sya, hindi ko alam kung ganun parin dahil yun ang pinaniwala ko sa sarili ko o talagang wala syang effort manlang na magbago. Sabi ko galit ako, pero walang bahid ng galit ang mga narinig kong salita na lumabas sa bibig ko. Bakit ba hindi ko magawang magalit? Nakatingin nanaman sya. Naalala ko bigla kung gaano ko kinakaasaran yung mga tingin na yon dati. Ewan pero wala akong maitago sa kanya, sa mga tigin nya. Kahit hindi ako magsalita alam nya lahat ng sakit na hindi ko kaya sabihin, lahat ng galit na pinipilit ko sarilihin, lahat ng lungkot na nagdadala ng pait sa mga mata ko. Alam nya lahat. Hindi ko ito nakikitaan ng kahit anong ganda dahil pakiramdam ko wala ng natitirang privacy sa buhay ko pag tumingin sya sa mata ko. Kahit ilang beses ako magpanggap na masaya mas marunong pa sya sakin. Hindi parin sya nagbago. Nandito parin yung lumang pakiramdam na para bang yung buong mundo sakin lang umiikot. Nakakasakal na mga tanong... kumain ka na ba? okay ka lang ba? wala ka bang problema? ano ginawa mo kanina? parang ako lang ang importante. Ginusto ko rin naman iparamdam sa kanya na importante sya, na katulad nya gusto ko rin malaman yung mga bagay bagay. Pero hindi nya ko binigyan ng pagkakataon. Hindi ko maikakaila, kanina habang nakatingin sya medyo natuwa ako. Matagal na panahon narin ng huli kong naramdaman na ako ang sentro ng mundo ng isang tao. Alam ko na kahit sandali pwedeng magpahinga ang mga salita dahil hindi ko sila kailangan. Palagi nga nya hinuhulaan ang nararamdaman ko, pero palagi naman syang tama. Nasa huli nga ang pag sisisi. Nangungulila na pala ko sa katahimikan na dulot ng mga sandaling yon. Ang katahimikan na dati ay nag tulak sa akin palayo.

sister act

my earliest childhood memories include arguing with my sisters about almost anything and wishing i'd woke up one day to find out i have a half brother instead. i have three sisters, richelle, sunshine and katrina. we are four girls in a row with no brother, and that spells

R-I-O-T! among all of them, i have this special bond with my sister shine. we grew up together and were separated from our family that's why we were used to counting on to eachother for comfort and emotional help. But shine and I are completely different. I used to label us as the "positive and negative batteries". Shine being the negative, and yours truly, being the positive... She was so out going, loud, happy go lucky and always in trouble. She was such a popular sanguine and its why people drew near her easily. I am her exact opposite. i remember going to the same high school were she was a drop out because she's been to a lot of mess. teachers would comment how different we are, and would always be quick to compare us. as far as i knw, i did well in school, but it wasn't enough to please them. they like her more than I because she was the sweet student, and i was distant. however, i never took it against her, i am glad to be her second best. We were very close and i don't remember sharing such kind of friendship with anyone. But we also argue a lot. So much that sometimes, we would end up not talking to each other for a month or two. but that's just how we are. we will reconcile just about time when we need to use each other's things. =)

i haven't got too much chances to build a stronger bond with my ate richelle when we were younger. i always see her as my ate who would scare me to death till i fall asleep and who would things for me that only elder sisters would. i look up to her because she seemed so perfect. she was the intelligent and articulate among the four of us and that makes her the center of any conversation. that left me feeling intimidated with her that i always found myself nervous when talking to her, afraid i won't be able to say the right words. i don't remember having wacky times with her unlike with shine but that doesn't mean i love her less. she have given me a strong sense of character and shine taught me to enjoy life as it throw rotten tomatoes. but my youngest sister katrina is closest to my heart. i remember hating her so much when i was younger for stealing me the title i've held on to for 8 years, the "bunso" title. But she was so dear that i always find myself forgiving her for using my things i told her no to, and losing it afterwards. I enjoy the new title i am having now as her "ate" and all the advantages it brings. sometimes i hate her for being "maarte" but i know she'll go past that stage like i did. at 16, she has been my constant company whose always willing to share a wrestling moment and tickle fight with me.

richelle and shine are now both living abroad. They have their own families already but we were never too old to make each other feel special. i have always longed to have a brother who could have made a big difference in our lives, but i can't help but smile whenever i remember having three sisters who've made growing up a whole lot better.

love in the making

Past midnight, my whole being was screaming for rest for I have been so consumed by the never ending activities I’ve been doing these days…and the list goes on. I’ve almost forgotten to be alone with myself and find out how I am doing lately. I don’t even know if I have already managed to move a step forward from the dark past I’ve been. I am having a hard time to sleep. My mind won’t let me sleep. My heart is arguing with me for being neglected for the longest time. But it was a choice. A choice that has demanded a lot of will power from me that sometimes, I just wanted to break free from the barriers I’ve made myself. I have been a slave of my emotions all my life, and now, I’ve decided to take charge and be the boss. My heart can’t fool me anymore. So there it was, caged, preserved, restored. The last lime I’ve used it for its purpose, I found it there in the gutter, trashed. I have always disagreed and agreed with myself, that love has rules to follow, and I always seem to forget. So now, I must at all cost learn to play by the rules. Sometimes, I wonder what could be a better choice. Whether to be a successful cynic,
or a failed romantic. Sometimes I want to go for both… Although there were still days of having wishful thinking, I’d quickly resign. If I am to fool myself, I’d think of love as a wonderful feeling, because that’s how I’ve always imagined love would be, simple yet romantic, painful and yet everlasting. Sometimes, it seems like time is running out, that I only have a few minutes left to decide whether I will risk myself or just stay away for good – and a lifetime to regret any wrong moves I will take. Everyday I remind myself that life is too short to be spent wondering if love deserves a chance. There were times when I just want to live in my surreal world, and love like I’ve never been hurt –and sometimes I just want to keep my heart to myself. The next thing I know, I was half-heartedly going for it, as if I have all the strength to armor me, yet trembling in fear. I’ve wasted all my life making a choice. I actually have all the reasons not to love, but I still do. After spending hours and hours of convincing myself that love will just hurt, it all boils down to one thing in the end… that if something hurts, then maybe it’s really worth a try.

life is but a dream

looking back to the life i've had when i was a child doesn't give me the right amount of satisfaction i needed to feel complete. as i look back, it only made me realize how i've been deprived with so much happiness which i well-deserved. Lots of unhappy memories still linger in my mind, like an old movie i've seen countless times. Something i've gotten used to overtime. Sometimes, pain have become so familiar, it stayed longer than usual. More and more, i can only long for a heart that was glad.

when i was 13, i felt a prisoner of my own fears. it seemed i have built this self-made cage to protect myself from anything that could possibly hurt. i wasn't really scared but i wasn't brave either, so i hid behind the shadow of my own self. I grew up in a big house old house with grandma who was so scared i'd become a teenage mom or a high school drop out that she forbided me to experience the world, even to be myself. She was no doubt the most loving and caring grandmother i could ever have, but there's a lot i have to know. I can only dream of being free, dreamland have been my constant escape to the reality i can never embrace. I imagined life to be the sweetest thing, and while i was at it, i wish to grow up fast... There is a lot i have to make out of my life, and i wanted to start soon.

in a few months, i'll turn 24. I am still the same 13 year old whose always afraid of the unknown. But this time, a little braver. I have stepped out of that cage because i'm sure i won't be needing that anymore. Grandma must have been really proud to know i wasn't any of what she'd thought i'd become. I forgot to say that once in a while, i sneaked out of grandma's sight to experience the world, and i had a blast. Dreamland never closes its door.

sweet dreams.