Masscom Misfit

I remember the first time I entered the university of not merely my choice, where i had a mixture of both excitement and fear. I was such a fragile and naive girl way back and college life was not for me, or so i would like to think. Petty reasons mattered to me like it meant the whole world, i was being my childish, narrow minded self. There were two things that were going around my head at that time. First, if it was a right choice to study in that university, well, let's just say that i chose it because i had used my heart, literally. An ex-love was in that same school and for a girl who was so unsure of herself at that moment, the next best thing was to follow him, enough said. Second, I don't like my course. I have other plans in mind, back then, i wanted to take up Psychology, Culinary Arts or Foreign Service. My father wanted me to study music, my mother wanted me to take up Mass Communication.Pretty obvious, my mother won. After long hours of arguing with her, i gave up. At first, I was acting as if I was doing well, that i was having a great time. Since I had great friends, and though i was clueless about the course i was into, i became comfortable. But just when i was starting to find my place, something terrible happened. There came an opportunity to study abroad but it required me to take up nursing. I refused and my parents did not push through but in return, i couldn't continue with my course either. I stopped for one semester till I was able to convince everyone that my course is fine anyway. When i went back to school, that's when everything started to change. It felt like I was in a whole new world, where running away is not an option. I found it hard to cope up in everything, and, in the middle of my struggle to be back on track, i've found myself unhappy and devastated. I've hated my course, i hate Mass Communication. I am not everything it requires me be. I hate the people i often have no choice but to deal with. They acted so superior, so hard to level up with. So there I was, always taking up the backseat, i never did try to fit in, I've closed my door to new friendships, i don't like them all anyway.I don't ever wanted to be like them. I've tried a lot of times to escape, but God have kept the doors closed. So I continued, for i was able to put my trust in him who have the reasons why I am in this course anyway. Little by little, I became tired of taking the backseat, i became tired of keeping my ideas to myself. Suddenly, i wanted to show everyone around me that I also have what it takes. I became tired of having no one to deal with but myself, so one by one, i had befriend them, and to my shame, a lot of them i have misjudged.Fast forward to the present, i can only smile as i try to be nostalgic. Mass Communication and all the people I've refused to deal with are wonderful. It is a brood of exceptional talents. What i've gone through were not because the course is not a good one or the people are not good either, but, because of me. I failed to grow up and i remained unsure of myself and the things i wanted. I've pretended to fight for something i actually don't have a heart for. I became blinded by my fears and pride, which in the long run, have not taken me anywhere. I can only regret those times i've wasted wallowing and whinning over petty things, but, i am grateful that i've set things right, just in time before i ruined everything. I've come to appreciate the beauty of this world where i am into, which I may not have chosen in the beginning, yet, have nestled me during those times i was busy finding myself.

loving and believing.

For the past two years, i have been sharing my life with Alvin. It was never easy, when we don't belong to the same world. Sometimes, i've gotten used to it, most of the time, i haven't. Alvin studies music, mine is communications. Though we both want the best out of our chosen crafts, we deal with it differently. He is more focused, I, on the other hand, is playing with my emotions. I don't understand, but i see his life as something that is too complicated. A lot of things too do, with so little time. My life is simpler...and boring to be exact. As far as i can remember, i have been trying so hard to fit in, to share the same world with him. From time to time, i go out of my comfort zone to have a taste of his world, but still, i find myself lost in a world that's not my own. Alvin does the same, he seemed comfortable though, he always know how to belong. There are three things that i have to deal with this relationship. One, i am not his top priority, or at least not YET. Not anytine soon. Second, that he's not the usual boyfriend who is always on his way to check on me, my whereabouts, the people i'm with, etc. Lastly, he has a life that will go on with or without me. The first and the last are painful beyond compare, but as time went by, i had mastered from the heart. The second one, i'm still trying to adjust because i'm just not used to it. I was from a relationship where i have to report everything, and still was never enough. So am I happy with this relationship? YES. though i have lots of reasons to be fed up and call it quits with him, i also have countless of reasons to love him. Reasons that are just ordinary, but are very significant. I simply enjoy doing things with him. I love the fact that we can talk non stop about everything, from why north korea is a communist country, to why GREENPEACE is the coolest organization on earth next to PETA. weird? but fun. i love talking to him because he's not afraid to talk about what's on his mind. I also love it when we can be silent for awhile and be confident that there isnt anything wrong. I enjoy eating at an expensive restaurant with him and yet go crazy over our favorite squidballs the next day. I love calling him funny names and talk to him using our own lingo. words thats just between me and him. I always look forward to hanging out with him, to being with him. We may not have the best relationship, but who cares? I love it just how it is.