Knocking on a Cold Heart

For a time, I felt numb. My fingers were cold as ice. I can hear people's voices echoing at the back of my head, but it felt like there was a glass wall surrounding me that I can not hear what they say exactly. I probably looked so pathetic because people can't help but stare. I cried rivers of tears while trying to gather all the strength i have, just to hold on. Hold on to dear life...hold on to my love. Words like I don't care anymore, you're not worth my time, lets end this cut a hole in my heart and breathing seemed harder that having my moments of asthma attack. it felt like hell... Then finally i snapped back to life, remembering where I was. Vehicles of all kinds were passing by in front of me, suffocating me with thick black smoke while people rush from here and there...chasing time. While mine stopped the moment i read his messages. I'm not even sure if it was the time, or was it my world that suddenly stopped for a while. Realizing i was making a fool out of myself, it made me fathom why some people looked at me the way they would on a lunatic. I was standing on the sides of the street, teary-eyed and all. Being left behind by someone I've fought for till the ends of the earth.Sometimes, i wanted something better for myself. I wanted to believe I deserve more. And I feel that way sometimes too often that I actually live and breathe only just to feel it. I sat on the stairs of an abandoned building, losing grip on what I've believed was mine forever. He made me believe it though. It was a promise of forever until our next big fight. Then all of what we seemed to have established for a stronger relationship falls apart. My whole being screamed for justice. I was wrong and sorry but there was no chance of forgiveness. I cried over times i almost wanted to let go because of mistakes he have done, but to no avail. I wanted to let go...I don't deserve to beg after all. But what do I deserve anyway. I've lost all the faith I have for myself. My knees were shaking but I stood up and decided to walk straightaway. I head towards the road to forgiveness...where i'll see my love. He needs it more than I do. Although I hope he will see that I deserve it too. I never took walking away as an option. My heart only tells me to continue walking ahead. Even if I wasn't sure at the time if he will meet me halfway.

Are you quite Corrupt?

Corruption is everywhere!! whaa!! of course in our Government
What is Corruption? it's a greed for your own comfort and not thinking of
effect of the greater populace around you if they will suffer..
Even in petty things we show our corruption in our lives are you one of these examples?

1.) Your riding an fx then you put the direction of the aircons in your face for your own comfort,not adjusting the aircon for everyone to share. Don't argue that the aircon is not cold.Probably all the passengers are experiencing what you feel.

2.) In a buffet,do you get your plate so full but you won't eat them all? of you get everything you like and don't care if the others won't have it?

3.) For the drivers. You don't give the change of passengers and you suddenly became deaf when you hear student!

4.) IN a jeepney scenario,you don't look around or just face the window so that the other people in the jeep will not pass you the fare.Don't ride a jeep if you are like that.

5.) think of these things,it will lead us to worst things,if people are like that then it's just a bad place to live. i don't know.

Kafee anyone?

Why are there people who do things that aren't in their status or doesn't really need this things in their life.Are you one of them? I was too but realized that it wasn't fruithful.Do You like to go to Coffee shop and buy some frappe but will not drink it? you will just drink them after you leave in the place after 4 to 6 hrs. of senseless seating surrounded by businessmen and social climbers. Why do you do this? yes it's comfortable in the couches but will you spend your parents hard earned money to buy a frickin expensive frappe? If you wipe your face with the tissue of the coffeeshop and other people will see it,will they make you beautiful or handsome?Will it make your status high? can you put it in your resume as OJT like i sat at $+@rbuck$ for 100 hrs.Will everyone bow to you if they see you bringing the cup of frappe already liquid and half passed already and just sipping every 30 mins.? You are missing the best things in life.Its outside the coffeeshop.It's fun to stay there occassionally but you don't need to go there everyday or week.. your just making the owners rich.

I'm disgusted with the Gov't

A head with a partner in crime
24 leaders with some making films and some unknown to the public.
Representatives of each place just love the Pork.
Leaders of each place who just loves to greet us a happy holidays when are roads are in a mess.
People who makes the country a business. Damned place

ALMS? anyone?

Growing up in a Catholic upbringing environment taught me to give alms to the less fortunate people around me whenever i can. But as i go farther to this reality,i faltered in my beliefs and steped back to this help. I have issues with this things.
This situations happened to me:

1.) I gave some loose change to a small kid,only found out later that he used my coins to play karakrus with his fellow kids.
2.) Same situation with a kid,I asked him first. Where are your parents? he pointed out in the corner his mom pregnant,smoking and eating some fishbol. wtf?
3.) I was commuting and observed a mother with a baby staring at the wind shields of nice cars. the following days i saw the same kid but different mothers. They pass around the baby for their own keepsake.
4.) I was riding a jeep going home and a small kid with envelopes rode the jeep and handed envelopes written "pahingi ng barya po" in script writing.Wow! the kid wouldn't write it down because i think his 5 yr old. So blame the parents who loves making babies to do their job for them.
5.) People who hands a small laminated letter of their "foundation" and ask for help and not saying anything.
6.) My mother is helping out whenever she can,one time he saw a kid without a slipper. SHe gave him a pair then after a while some kids flocked our gate and asked"ikaw ba yung namigay ng tsinelas? pahinga nga.."
7.) In the status of our family,we are placed in the better walks of life so some of our relatives asks for help but why they only remember us on christmas and when they are in need. When they don't need us,we don't exist.

I am not saying they are bad people.. I see Goodness still but will you give help to someone who doesn't care to you? they just want easy money. It's your action that is impt. and they got things for that? I've been helping people on the depressed area when i was young. Going to their house,eating meals with them. Is it ironic that on some occasions how did they acquire dvd and karaoke set while in our house we have none? it makes me wonder.I don't deprive them from such things but won't you think twice? I want to help.. I just don't want to give them money anymore. Money is the root of evil. It's a double edged sword that could help or hurt. My piece of advice is just give them food or clothes,not money. atleast it's already there but still my family encountered a relative selling the things we give him for bad medicine. What a waste.
It's ok to help.. just be wise..

"Give the man a fish and he'll live for a Day,Teach the man how to fish and he'll live forever"

A Letter to the People in Power

You are Placed in your position because you worked for it either in a good way or the bad way. You are in your seat because people believe in you or you just believe in yourself,that you'll make everything better for your supporters but you only get rich. Your are there to lead everyone to a better place.

But you ARE NOT:
-to decide that your sole decision will make everything okey,you are to implement it if the greater populace needs it.
-to decide the future of individuals for your own sake(pls burn in hell to the people invloved because this really happened)
-to get rich for the hard earned money of others.
-you are not above the law.
-what comes up must come down.
-if your famiy is in the name of great politician,the other members aren't.It's not on your name.

Hair today...Gone tomorrow...

I've had long hair for as long as I can remember. One-length, layered, with full bangs, curly, straight...name it, I've had it. I decided to keep it below my shoulder until one day, my whole being screamed for CHANGE. Yes, one moment i just realized I'm tired of my wash and wear hairdo and I wanted something more updated. And so I did.

For the next week or so, I sported a short cropped hair that's completely not so "me". I missed my long hair but I must admit that this new haircut gave me a boost in confidence. As a matter of fact, I am now thinking of keeping it this way for a longer time. I don't like it or hate it, I can only say that its different. But i'll practice the art of faking it until you make it. I will just own it until I grow it...

2012? the end of Humanity?

December 21 2012,a significant date to be noted if you're a believer of Nostradamus or not because he predicted that the world will end that year...Mayan Civilization also predicted this day,and others to.. so why? Are we going to wait till that day to find out if it's true or should change for the betterment of mankind? In the end of Nostradramus picture,the circle of life is gone,and the page in the book is empty.

A question that made me think, is the empty book signifying that the future beyond it is not predicted? Or he leaves us to either fight for our race or destroy it as we all do.. I just want to say we hold our destiny,it is for us to know our consequences in the future. Can we just do the right and easy way than continue the wrong and stupid way?

What can we do? help Mother earth to do it's normal function.
-Just throw your garbage in the right place,don't put them everywhere else that's not called a trash can.
-a little history from the dino era.. when the big rock that hit earth and made the dinos extinct,the world was covered with a thick cloud of CO2,thru the powers of earth and it's natural process.Earth made it into rain and fell on the earth and was placed to our soil. Thru erosion and other things,the C02 particles was converted to fossil deposits or what we call FOSSIL FUELS.. the ones we are using now from the industrial revolution. We are just returning the C02 back to the clouds.. so alternative fuels? anyone?
-Can we just be like Sao Paulo? the cleanest city on earth.
-Change your self for the better.. Don't be an ass..
-Can Muslim extremist and West get along?
-If we all Die,there is no more war,conflicts and other bad things.. are we going to wait for this?
-Prayer helps,putting it to action is what makes it true.Don't be just a dreamer.
-Don't depend on the politicians,believe in yourself that you can be a better person that you are today.
-don't take advantage of the things that will make the society worst even though you think you are just one,but in other places they might think of your ways.

there are other ways to make the world a better place, I'm not perfect but I'm trying to be a better person whose worthy to live in this Earth. I don't know..If everyone will just throw their wrappers of candy everyday.. we are doomed.. this blog is not to entertain the readers.. But to encourage us to be better humans for the sake of our existence.

Something to Ponder

" Failure doesn't mean you are a failure, its just that you haven't succeeded yet."

But when you finally succeed, what comes next? Does it mean a perfect life free from misery, failure and problems which are inevitable as night and day? Does being successful separates us from the cruelty that often comes hand in hand with failure and losing? I sometimes wish we'll all be able to make it. But don't you think its too boring? In the real world, there's this bunch who the society dubbed as successful. And on the other half of the earth, we losers reign supreme. And not for the reason that we haven't achieved any, or we're not making it big in the industry of superficial beings. Its just that neither one of us know what this success thing is all about.

I remember a conversation with a friend during a walk down the streets of Makati one cloudy afternoon in July. We were looking past expensive cars parked along the sidewalks, people sipping a cup of coffee dressed in seemingly designer clothes. I came upon these questions. How do we define success? How can one say that he or she is successful? Is it exactly how the media and the society created it to be? My friend and I are both pissed off by the idea that success means having a luxurious looking car, a house that resembles the white house or our very own Malacanang palace, numerous popular friends who need to socialize every now and then to prove their self-worth...what else? I am very sure that by now, you already have your share of the picture about this so called "successful people"... But how about us? How about the majority of us who pitty ourselves because we believe those things. For the fortunates, success probably mean a once in a lifetime life changing event. But for the unfortunates, it is an everyday experience... an everyday challenge to do better. Success is being able to achieve something you aspire, be it big or small. Success is finding happiness by knowing you have given your best shot, no matter you how many times you almost failed. Success is waking up evryday with a goal in mind and sleeping at night knowing you are one step closer to that goal. It is indeed a state of mind. Its in little things we do that molds us. Its an experience that encourage us to not stop when we reach the finish line, but to continue to work harder even after the race,because life after all, is a race where you have to keep on running and winning and losing and starting all over again from scratch. Do I envy those people who are "successful" because they have everything? Not at all...anyway, as the saying goes: He who has the most toys... still dies.

Thinking out Loud.

Lately, I have been feeling the following:

1.) lost
2.) undecided
3.) restless
4.) insignificant
5.) out of place

This year marked an important event in my life because it has been my transition from being a dependent junkie to complete adulthood. Finally, I earned a degree in college amidst the obstacles I have managed to surpass with flying colors. I remember having daydreams about what I'll be once I step out of college, the possibilities were endless. But here I am, trapped in a world that's completely different from mine. Yesterday, I was having high hopes about my future, today, I'm not so sure. This morning, I woke up with the realization that 2009 isn't my time to shine. Its my time to applaud and watch other people who are having a great year. But its not having bitterness over life, thus, accepting that my star would shine brightest in the years to come. I guess its pretty weird but normal to feel like this when the year is about to end. A part of me is still hoping that things will take a U-turn and head on a better road for me. But for the meantime, I don't mind taking the backseat like I used to, and cheer for loved ones who are successfully making their way to the top. And though I am not playing a big part in this stage play called life for now, I will be the best that I can be in the role that l have. Here's a few part of a poem I chanced upon when I was in high school. It has been my constant motivation since then.

"Hold on to your dream, not too tightly for it might break... Not too loosely for it might slip away. Just hold on to your dream, and it will find you."

Here's hoping for great opportunities come 2010 with my fingers crossed and with my dreams surrendered to a power greater than mine. A power that can only be God's. I know he's just sitting there somewhere near the front row, being the audience he has always been. If all the world is a stage and God is the director who's constantly checking up on our performances...then I better start proving myself worthy of that center stage. I'll keep you posted ;)

ONDOY-act of God,Massive floods in the metro-act of Man

Recent events were really bad like Ondoy,the worst rain he shed upon us is very tragic. The ever majestic typhoon is an act of God because it's the process of our mother earth. But such greed and irresponsibility is an act of man. I don't mean to point the blame on people.
1.) Global warming-act of man,the earth is just doing its job ever since it started,we the human race are irresponsible as always.
2.) Floods-act of man,irresponsible disposing of garbage,greed in building new subdivisions in the mountains, DENR such an ass for not catching up the illegal loggers.
3.) Stupidity of man-act of man,informal settlers who don't care and their only reasons are we have no money. you have a life in the province yet you still think Manila is kewl..
4.) Faggot Politicians-act of man,you vote for them,then they steal money from you,and hide in such big mansions away from danger while millions of people are dying.
5.) Typhoon Ondoy-act of God,you blame this incident but you don't see the other factors that contributed to this event.We made it worst because of the four things we did.

So do we still blame Ondoy?

2009 Food List Worthy of your Everything...

and when i say everything, it means your precious time, hard earned money and unsolicited praise! These are the foods that made me care less about my weight and figure. Eat...and be merry...

1. Sbarro- Chicago Deep Dish Stuffed Pizza, Baked Zitti with Meatballs (enjoy it more with hot sauce)
2. Sinangag Express- Tapsilog, Liemsilog (great with caramel sundae, humanap ka na lang kung san meron)
3. Burger King- Whopper, Onion rings (whaa! kelan ba ulit anniversary nila para may promo?)
4. Kuya Manong (sa harap ng Manila Pavillon)- Squid balls!!!! with C2 lemon ;)
5. Pao tsin- Sharks fin, Beef wanton, Buko juice!
6. Chansel Pizza- Beef and mushroom!!!!
7. Siomai House- eh di siomai syempre.
8. Taco Bell- Fiesta Potato, Burritos, Nachos, Bottomless Iced Tea!
9. Jollibee- Spaghetti with Spicy Chicken (thigh the best! breast? loser!!!! hehe), super sized french fries, Burger
10. I'll leave this one blank coz i'm yet to taste something new...hehe... I'm eyeing for KFC's Pizza Wrap blah-blah...

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head...

and at times, it pours drastically that I dont have much time to find myself a shelter to run to. One moment, it was all warm and sunny, but just in time when I was basking into that wonderful feeling, it was gone so soon. I don't want anybody raining on my parade, but I was always caught red-handed. I guess I am forever unprepared. Some would stop and offer a helping hand, i must be soaking really bad that others notice. But i keep on walking under the tiny drops of rain that seemed to be heavier each time. I never grew tired of waiting for sun shine. I always believe it is just hidding its face behind thick clouds, resigning from being too familiar. I wonder if i became too familiar for eveyone that I need to hide for awhile to regain self-worth. What i don't like much about it is that sometimes, rain pours so hard it washes out everything already, even that burning fire within you that keeps you standing steadfast in that old street known as romanceville.

On a train bound to north, i was looking past the window. Heavy rains pouring outside,feeling nostalgic. Remembering I love you's that has lost its old flame... How will i be able to reach my destination, I am again...unprepared. Will I ever be? I'll know the answer until the next rain pouring on my head.

O-M-G!!

Ohh my Gibo! nasan ka na? ikaw ay isang Grad ng Harvard at bar topnotcher at may so called info-mercial pa.. ngunit nasan ka na pagkatapos ng bagyong Ondoy? panu na pag naging president ka pa? ilang ondoy pa ang dadaan para maging worthy ka naman ng boto ng madla? Madaming tao na normal ang nakakagawa ng hindi normal para makatulong sa mga nangangailangan. anong ginagawa mo kung hindi umikot lang ng umikot sa chopper buong araw? ngayong sa ikatlong bagyo simula kay ondoy. ang humuharap na lang sa tv ay spokesperson ng NDCC? bakit?

To the aspiring presidents:
BAYANI-simple at practical,sadyang di ka lang talaga maintindihan ng mga taong tinagalog na ngunit gusto pa din magpakapasaway.
VILLAR-Magaling-wag mu lang ihalo ang business sa politics at nakakturn off ka dahil gumamit ka ng kanta ng 6 cycle..hehe
JAMBI-ha? natangay ka na ba ng bagyo?
CHIZ-maappeal sa masang bata,kamuhka ni bamboo,idealistic,gawin mo namang totoo mga ideas mu.. at biglang naging baduy dahil sa gusto niyang mangyari na ipasa lahat ng students dahil sa mga calamities.. ok siya pakinggan pero nagpapakahirap kame sa grade.. mas nakakagaan ng loob na pinaghirapan ang grade.
NOYNOY-pangarap ko na ituloy mo ang demokrasya ng pinas.. magiging icon ka.. sana naman gumawa ka ng action.
ERAP-nagsawa na ang pinoy sa matalino kaya ka sinubukan.. pumalya ka na.. guguho na ang pinas pag naulit..

solusyon sa Pinas? wag umasa sa Gobyerno.. simula magbago sa sarili mo..
ikaw? kaya mo namang itago ang laman ng kendi mo sa bulsa hangang makahanap ka ng maayus na basurahan.. kayong may celfone na loud speaker,hindi gusto ng nasa piligid mo ang kanta na pinatutugtog mo,sana mahulog celfone mo at masira,nakakadagdag ka ng noise pollution,wag ka maging buraot.tapos pag maayos na lahat ng pinoy,pasabugin ang NDCC,DENR at ibigay ang pera sa PAGASA para naman may worth lahat ng pinag hihirapan nila. Hindi naman matatauhan mga politicians natin e.. Tulad ni Gus,malapit na ang election at gumagawa ng subliminal na message parang ganito

every body has the right to(in very small letters kahit 20/20 di mababasa VOTE(super big font)
a public msg from(in very small letters na naman) gus(anu pa ba? super laking font na naman)
so maiintindihan mo lang e vote Gus.. bongga di ba?
nung PPCRV pa ako may rule na no campaign materials 20meters from the precint.. so anu ginawa? nagdonate siya ng tubig sa bawat presinto ng may pangalan niya so makikita ng lahat ng botante.. buti nakita ko kaya pinatanggal lahat.. haynaku..
isa pa ang polwatchers ng mga kandidato,napakalaki ng pangalan nila sa I.D. e di nga sila nangangampanya pero makita ang pangalan nila bago bumoto alam na.. madadala ang mga ibang hunghang na botante.. haynaku... kaya takot macomputerized ang election,hindi sila makakapag dayaan.. ewan ko.. basta kung lahat tayo mabuting mamayan e maayus pinas.. pag nakakita kayo snatcher at holdaper,kuyugin niyo bago pa dumating ang pulis para naman maavenge niyo ung mga nabiktima nila.. sana mga pulitikong magnanakaw e makuyug natin noh? karamihan e magnanakaw din tulad nila,nakabarong lang sila at mukhang kagalang galang.. dapat ipatugtug sa paligid nila palage ang kanta ni Gloc 9 na Upuan,sapul sapul sa butas ng pwet ng pulitiko yung kanta na iyon..

I...HER...YOU...

I wish to be HER, so i won't have to be reminded of this pain.
I wish to be HER, so i'd hear you defend of me the same way.
I wish to be HER, so i won't need to wonder if you're together.
I wish to be HER, because "I" is just hurting.

"I" tried to tell you that it weakens every part of me.
You still refuse to see.
You still refuse to hear.
You're quick to take HER side.

Do "I" need to bear this pain of knowing you're with HER.
It's as if the years are shortened into months.
The months are shortened into weeks.
Weeks are shortened into days.
And our days become unsure.

It's sad to see the truth right on my face.
My heart was crying tears my eyes can't show.
I was hoping the world will just swallow me whole.
So i can escape from what I don't want to see and know.

How can "I" think of "You" now after that night
without remembering "HER" by your side?
Last night "I" even saw you in my dream together.
I wish "HER" not to be part of our lives.
But you won't care if it's bleeding my heart to death.

I guess "I" will just wish to be "HER" instead.